Coffee + Bad Mood.

I don't even know what I want to write in this blog. I have so many thoughts and confusing things running through my mind, I can't sort them out. I get like this sometimes, where I can't even tell what emotion I'm feeling. Right now, I feel like I want to cry and I have absolutely no idea what for. Maybe it's just been too long since I had a good cry. When people compliment me on how bubbly I seem to be and how I never seem to have anything going on, I want to shake them. Everyone has something going on in their lives, whether it be of a good or bad nature. "Be kind to those you meet, for everyone is fighting a great battle." I love this quote. When I see or hear people being rude and downright mean, I want to run up to them and recite this quote for them. You can't know what exactly is going on in someone's head, even if they're your best friend of 20 years. It's just not possible. You just have to hope that they trust you enough and feel comfortable around you to be able to talk about their day and how they're feeling, no matter if it's something as insignificant as recieving a smile that made them happy, or something bigger. Bigger than they can handle.
Take me, for instance. I've had depression and yes, sometimes I'm afraid to admit it, because I'm scared of what people's reactions will be. Not that I go around telling everyone, only a couple of my best friends know. And even they don't know all the details. But society's perception is that depression and other mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder are weird and shouldn't be discussed, blah blah blah. It's the 21st century people, get up with the play.
Anyhoo. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 12. What a great time to have depression I tell you! Gosh, puberty, new school, new friends, oh and depression. Fuuun, not. I didn't go to see a doctor until I was 12, and I'd had the same symptoms since I was about 10, so yeah, I started young. And that's one thing that I really can't get over, but we'll get to that.
So yeah, 10 and depressed. And having not told anyone, I was very alone. I guess the main reason I became depressed in the first place was due to my Grandma's death when I was four. Initially it didn't hit me, but as I got older I started to realise that I needed her in my life and I became very sad that she had gone. This was in my last year of primary school. Now, lets back track a wee bit. At school, I've never been one the "popular" kids. I've only ever had a few friends and back when I was younger, I got teased alot for being a loner. So, being a loner already + becoming sad years after my Grandma's dying = a select couple of people deciding to take advantage of the situation and tease me relentlessly. Honestly, kids are horrible. And I say that in the nicest way possible, but really. Kids, especially girls, are horrible. Little girls are bitches. :P
So, here I was, just turned 11 and being bullied because I was a loner. Continue sadness, begin depression. I thought I was wortheless, and I was made to believe that I would never amount to anything. I made it through the end of primary school relatively emotionally unscathed, although my mind was beginning to believe the bullshit.
During my first year of intermediate, the bullying, and consequently my depression, became worse. I was basically an outcast, I had very few friends. And the ones I did have, I shut out.
My bully wasn't a physical bully. She was very much an emotional bully, doing little things she knew would upset me. Such as stealing my pencil case and dropping all my beloved coloured pens, pencils and glitter pens out around the school. It seems trivial now, but at the time, I was heartbroken that I had lost my Winnie The Pooh pencil case. That kind of thing kept a hold on me, and when I turned 13, I contemplated suicide. I believed my life was never going to get better, that I was destined to be a loner and a weirdo for the rest of my life. I thought about how I would do it, and where. I even went as far as visiting the place where I thought would be best suited for my actions! Fucked up. But if I hadn't gone, I wouldn't be alive today. Because while I was there, I thought of my Grandma. I thought of how much I missed her and how I wished she had been a part of my life. And then I wondered if she would have been proud of me. I realised then that I was standing of the edge of my life, of course she wouldn't have been proud of me. I started crying then, apologising to my dead Grandmother for thinking about suicide. I stepped back from the edge of death and I walked away. Thanks Gran. :)
So back at school, a teacher had started to notice that I was becoming more and more withdrawn from everything and I prayed that she would ask me if I was okay.
She did.
I was in Year 8, my last year at intermediate. Age 13. And the girl who had been bullying me relentlessly since I was 11 had finally turned to physicality, and punched me in the stomach. So I wrote about it in a speech that I delivered to the class. The good thing was, she was in my class, so when I started talking she went bright red. I was looking at her the entire speech and everyone gathered it was her I was talking about. So when I had finished, one of the teachers, Ms. K, took me outside and down to her office. She sat me down, and she looked at me. I was hoping she was going to say it. And then the words came: "Are you okay? Talk to me."
I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders because finally, someone had noticed I wasn't okay. I let out a sigh of relief and I started to cry. I cried and talked, and she listened for two hours.
I went to the doctor and it was there I found out what I'd already known for a while..I had depression. I wasn't prescribed any anti-depressants, because I wanted to fight this on my own. It took me another 5 years to beat my depression, and all of the people in my "friends group" never understood why I was a loner. I told someone once, the person who I thought was my best friend. She told me to deal with it on my own. She even had the nerve to say nobody should ever get depressed because no-ones life could be that bad. Then and there, all the respect I had for her disappeared. People do feel that way, people can have depression. Fuck you you ignorant cow.
So I struggled through most of my high school years, fighting a quiet battle no one else knew about. Often I would bunk school just so I wouldn't have to be social. One thing I'll never be able to change is the fact that meeting new people now scares me. I just can't cope with meeting new people, unless someone I know is with me. I didn't go to many parties and I didn't drink much alcohol. Because when I drank, I got more depressed. That, in turn, made me even more anti social, because while everyone was getting drunk and hooking up in the corner, I was sitting on the couch, drinking my lemon lime and bitters.
Enter Mrs S.
She was my teacher in Year 13, and by this stage, I was at the point in life where I just didn't care anymore. I didn't bother putting much effort in at school, sometimes not turning up for a day or two. Mrs S was a miracle. She was quite possibly theeeee best teacher I ever ever had. She was amazing. She was my saviour, and she didn't even know it. Every day I looked forward to going to school, and I tried my best in her classes. I was awarded the top prize in her class, which topped off a great year. I can't explain how much she means to mean...I let this song do the talking.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQyQst3iBB4

Thanks Mrs S, you saved me from myself.


And wow, I've rambled on a lot. And now I feel alot better.

Unsureness.

My mind is like a river-it constantly changes course and you don't really know where it's going.
I am fucking scared out of my mind. I honestly can't choose between things to do career wise..I fear that if I went to Teachers College, I would soon get bored of working with kids. I fear that if I study Tourism, I would get bored. Actually, I know what I want to do...whether I can bring myself to do it is another question..But I think I've made my mind up subconciously. I just can't admit it yet, because admitting something as huge as this is scary and unsettling. And I fear people will think I'm making a stupid choice. And I fear that I'm setting myself up for failure. And I fear that my life is going to be one of being constantly broke, working long hours, and having no holidays.

And I fear being BROKE!

Horses are expensive. They are a 24/7 job, they are a lifelong committment.
They're my passion.
But I'm scared. I don't want to move away from the place and the people I love. And I'm scared of failing. But mostly, I'm scared of admitting this is what I need to do for the rest of my life.
So maybe, I'm trying to convince myself to pursue a normal career. I really would like to go to Teachers College and keep horses as a hobby. Dream.
God, why is life so hard? Wait. Why is life after school so hard? During school, I had it good. I didn't have to choose what I was doing everyday and I didn't really have to worry about life changing decisions.

I'm so unsure about everything.
Maybe taking the plunge is what I need.
But then, I don't know that it is.

1

Near to the door
he paused to stand
as he took his class ring
off her hand
all who were watching
did not speak
as a silent tear
ran down his cheek
and through his mind
the memories ran
of the moments they walked
hand in hand
but now her eyes were so terribly cold
for he would never again
have her to hold
they watched in silence
as he bent near
and whispered the words
'I Love You' in her ear
as he put on his ring and wanted to die
and just then the wind began to blow
as they lowered her casket
into the snow.
this is what happens
to man alive
when friends let friends
drink and drive.

China: Animal Cruelty

http://www.3news.co.nz/China-zoos-severely-mistreat-performing-animals---report/tabid/1160/articleID/169844/Default.aspx

http://www.3news.co.nz/China-zoos-severely-mistreat-performing-animals---report/tabid/1216/articleID/169844/Default.aspx

China, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
Here I was, minding my own business, watching the late night news, when I was warned that the next story would contain content that would most likely be disturbing!
Scenes like these make me so fucking mad.
You people are fucked up, your sick! How the fuck would you like it if you, or your best friend, or your child, or your husband, or your mother, was tipped out of a truck and fed, alive and protesting, to a pack of hungry tigers?! And to sit there and WATCH it, and LAUGH?! That is not entertainment!

Would you mind if I stick a ring through your nose and lead you around by a rope, yanking it whenever you stray a millimetre off the planned course? How about if I take a length of rope and whip you around the legs, the body and the head when you don't do what I ask you to do, even though you're terribly confused and you have no idea what you're meant to be doing. You don't know what is right, and you don't understand why you're being subjected to these cruel methods. What about hitting you with a stick? That would be better, because then maybe you'd actually fucking feel some pain, and maybe you'd begin to understand the torture these animals go through. Oh and by the way, we're gonna rip your teeth out and cut your nails, because we want to have absolute fucking control over you, while slowly sucking out your will to live, your personality and your dignity.
Do you like your adaquate living conditions? A 1 metre square metal barred cell is surely good enough, and there's plenty to keep you entertained after all...You can bite your own body for starters, you can inflict pain on yourself because you've got nothing better to do, and after all, they're going to kill you in the end so why not make the process a bit quicker?

Instead of using animals as entertainment, and inflicting this torture on them, you could use one another?

Fuck you, you fucking bastards.

Gran,

Fifteen years today. Has it really been that long? It seems just yesterday that you were alive. Oh how I wish you could have seen me grow up. I don't know how you'd feel about some of the decisions I've made in life, and I know you'd have told me off a fair few times :) I just wish I could know if you were proud of me, of who I've become. You were the only person in my world who I really truely loved and I long for the relationship we would have had if you'd not died-would we have been inseperable, like so many other grandparents and grandkids? I like to think we would have been, because you were wonderful to me. I would have visited every day, and we would have had afternoon tea together, and I would have told you about my day. It would have been beautiful.

I write to you, you know. I write you poems and I write you letters. I write to you whenever I'm feeling sad, happy or otherwise, because it feels good to be able to explain myself without being judged. You are the best listener. To be honest, you're the reason I ever picked up a pen in the first place-if you hadn't have passed away, I don't think I would have turned out the way I have, and I doubt I ever would have started writing poetry or random ramblings for that matter.
I visit you often as well, I like talking to you about my life. The last time I visited you, I asked you if you thought I'd find someone special or if I'd be alone for a long time. You seem to be in agreement with Grandad that I won't end up alone, because lo and behold, into my life strolled Albert. He's quite lovely, I know you would have liked him. He's good to me and he makes me laugh and smile and he makes me feel silly things I've never felt before! I think we'll be good together :)
Yes, I know, I'm quite a different girl to the one who you left at 4 years old..Back then boys had cooties and all I wanted to do was run away from them!

Gran, our family is falling apart. It's been falling apart ever since you died, when there's been no one around to put the glue back in place. My relationship with Grandad deteriorated quickly, which I now regret. He's dying, and now there's not enough time to rebuild what we had. Mum and Aunty don't talk anymore, they had a major falling out. We hardly keep in contact with Uncle P, and I'm really sad that since J came along, I was no longer his number one girl. We had such a good relationship, I miss seeing my Uncle. The only relatives we see most are Nana & Grandad, but I don't mind, I love them and they give me lollies :)
Us cousins keep in touch via the expansion of technology, and we see each other on Christmas and birthdays, which is better than nothing, but not as good as it was. Remember when we'd all come around for afternoon tea? I would walk from school, Mum, BA, P, L, N, J, you and Grandad would all be there and we'd have biscuits and us kids would watch TV in the lounge behind the sliding door, or we'd go over to the park to play.
Oh the memories, they bring joy and sadness to my face.
It's good to remember, and it's good to talk.

I miss you Gran, I miss you so much.

xx

Today..

I fell in love with my horse all over again.
He makes me so happy :)

horses; more than an animal.

Way out there past the western wind,
beyond the stars at night,
there's tales of hoof prints on the clouds
upon that sea of white.
And I've seen shadows cross the sun
in dappled greys and blacks
like horses in the western sky
with angels on their backs.

They say "up there" it's always green
the streams are wide and clear.
The cold north wind can never blow,
in fact, it's spring all year.
If horses souls just roam off
and they never really die,
then I know one who waits for me
beyond that western sky.

So God must be a cowboy,
even if it's just at heart,
why else would He make snowy peaks
that point up to the stars,
a cowhorse for a best friend
like the one I'm missing now
and fill the sky with angels
who leave hoof prints on the clouds?

Hey AFL?
Ask me out already.
Kthx.
:)

life
is
beautiful

:D

Omg.

Bon Jovi.

IN CONCERT.

Seventeen

weeks/two days.

Shit yeeaaah!!

24/O6/2OO9

Can't take these city lights
Need to get outback, up high
Where I'm free
That's where I'll be.

Four hours from nowhere
At one with the land, it's peaceful
I have no worries
We'll take it slow, we're in no hurry.

Long days, lazy nights
Camping out under the stars
We're true, we're strong, we're proud
Up on these hills there's no crowd.

Looking out towards the place
Where the sun and moon become one
This land is ours, the beauty is real
This wilderness will teach you how to feel
true emotion, inner peace, and love for these hills.

Can't take these city lights
Need to get outback, up high
Where I'm free
That's where I'll be.

:)

"Sweet, sounds like it's going to be great. Good to see your finally not giving up on anything."

I wrote this down a long time ago, when you first said it to me. I felt like you knew what it was like to go through that, and I felt like finally here was someone I could relate to.
You have no idea how many times I read this quote to myself, just to keep going.


Thankyou.

to my teacher.

in our world of reading and writing
you were my angel of hope
you are the reason i am still alive
after the hardest years of my life
i am so sorry i considered the alternative
and i'm sorry that i'm too afraid
to say thanks or i love you
in person.

music for the soul.

Thinking Ivory.

Augustana.

aaaaand The Weepies.

Omgomgomg!
They're amazing.
I don't think I could have fallen in love any faster with any other band..Apart from Bon Jovi, but that was always destined to be the greatest love affair.
Seriously, if you haven't heard any of their songs, Youtube them RIGHT NOW. I guarantee you'll fall head over heels in lurve with them all. :)

----------------------------------------------->

letter to you.

My future: no idea.
My past: i'd go back and change things, yes. because there are things in my past that are fucking unfair, why did i have to endure that?
actually, the question i want answered the most is why me? seriously, i did nothing to you, except try to be your friend. and you go and do that to me.
do you even remember? whenever you saw me at high school, you would smile. those times, i wanted nothing more than to grab your shoulders and shake you and yell at you and make you hurt the way you hurt me. when you smiled, it made me wonder if you even had a teeny tiny inkling of what had happened, let alone care. i knew you never cared about me, but to forget something like that, hurts almost as much as the actual pain at the time.
the memory of what you did is one i can not get out of my head. every day i try to convince myself that i've forgiven you and, in some ways, i think i have. but i don't think i can ever fully forgive you. how can i, when you ruined my life? you fucked me up until well after you were out of my life, and i can never forgive you for that.
to be honest, the memory of it all is fading. sometimes i have to remind myself it did happen, that it wasn't just a dream. i think this is partly to keep myself sane, and to tell myself that others will understand one day. seriously, you have no idea what the few i've told have said once i've told them. things along the lines of "get over it", "that was years ago", "she's a nice person", "i don't believe she could ever have done that!". it broke my heart when they defended you. to them, you were a nice person, a good friend, a dedicated student. and they never understood why i could never see you like they did, even after i had told them my deepest secret. i guess some people are just like that, they can't believe a person can have a past. well, people do. and i hope one day, yours catches up.
i wish you'd sit down and talk to me about why you did it. what was going through your head when you did. why you picked me. and i'd ask you if it had impacted your life as much as mine. and i'd tell you what your bullying drove me to: my battle with depression, how close i came to suicide, how i became a loner during my first four years of high school because i struggled to come to terms with the fact people wanted to be around me because i was nice. i'd tell you how you made me think i was worthless and how i believed you. i'd ask why you lied to the teachers faces and how you made them believe you didn't do anything.
lastly, i'd ask you to apologise. at last, then i could maybe gain some closure and start a path to forgiving you some more.
or, i could take that apology and throw it back in your face.
but i'd also say thankyou for making me who i am today. thanks for making me the sensitive, nice person i am. i'd thankyou for allowing me to see the beauty in the small things in life, to not take things for granted and to appreciate the truely wonderful friends i have. thankyou for allowing me to hear and feel the beauty of literature. finally, i'd thankyou for letting me discover myself.

don't let this thanks go to your head though. your still a bitch and your not forgiven.