letter to you.

My future: no idea.
My past: i'd go back and change things, yes. because there are things in my past that are fucking unfair, why did i have to endure that?
actually, the question i want answered the most is why me? seriously, i did nothing to you, except try to be your friend. and you go and do that to me.
do you even remember? whenever you saw me at high school, you would smile. those times, i wanted nothing more than to grab your shoulders and shake you and yell at you and make you hurt the way you hurt me. when you smiled, it made me wonder if you even had a teeny tiny inkling of what had happened, let alone care. i knew you never cared about me, but to forget something like that, hurts almost as much as the actual pain at the time.
the memory of what you did is one i can not get out of my head. every day i try to convince myself that i've forgiven you and, in some ways, i think i have. but i don't think i can ever fully forgive you. how can i, when you ruined my life? you fucked me up until well after you were out of my life, and i can never forgive you for that.
to be honest, the memory of it all is fading. sometimes i have to remind myself it did happen, that it wasn't just a dream. i think this is partly to keep myself sane, and to tell myself that others will understand one day. seriously, you have no idea what the few i've told have said once i've told them. things along the lines of "get over it", "that was years ago", "she's a nice person", "i don't believe she could ever have done that!". it broke my heart when they defended you. to them, you were a nice person, a good friend, a dedicated student. and they never understood why i could never see you like they did, even after i had told them my deepest secret. i guess some people are just like that, they can't believe a person can have a past. well, people do. and i hope one day, yours catches up.
i wish you'd sit down and talk to me about why you did it. what was going through your head when you did. why you picked me. and i'd ask you if it had impacted your life as much as mine. and i'd tell you what your bullying drove me to: my battle with depression, how close i came to suicide, how i became a loner during my first four years of high school because i struggled to come to terms with the fact people wanted to be around me because i was nice. i'd tell you how you made me think i was worthless and how i believed you. i'd ask why you lied to the teachers faces and how you made them believe you didn't do anything.
lastly, i'd ask you to apologise. at last, then i could maybe gain some closure and start a path to forgiving you some more.
or, i could take that apology and throw it back in your face.
but i'd also say thankyou for making me who i am today. thanks for making me the sensitive, nice person i am. i'd thankyou for allowing me to see the beauty in the small things in life, to not take things for granted and to appreciate the truely wonderful friends i have. thankyou for allowing me to hear and feel the beauty of literature. finally, i'd thankyou for letting me discover myself.

don't let this thanks go to your head though. your still a bitch and your not forgiven.